A Marriage of Convience
by MadameChocolat
Summary: Romance is dead. Marriage is politics. This is a fact. So what's a boy to do, when all he wants is love? While the other one just wants to be left alone. And neither have a choice in the matter. Crack. AU/AR. Slash. NaruSasu. Formerly DestineysMistak
1. Chapter 1

Changed the opener, made it longer, but other than that the chapter is still essentially the same. While be updated periodically in the next few days until I get the flow of the chaper just right. Tell me what you think.

* * *

Twelve hours. Tweleve, nail biting, ass clinchingly, gut wrenchingly painful hours before the 'Wedding of the Century' as the tabloids quoted in gaudy oversized print in the morning papers came to a close.

And quite frankly Sasuke was exhausted.

Not twenty years to the day, after Japan legalized same sex marriage. A stupid move in Sasuke opinion when they should have banned the constitution of marriage in the whole. It was a scorn that had plagued the world since the invention of organized religion. And now, as cliche as it may sound, it had taken Sasuke into his bloodthirsty, gaping claws.

But Sasuke had been exhausted long before the morning of October fourteenth, a crisp autumn day which provided the perfect multi-colored background for an outdoor wedding ceremony. Mikoto, his darling mother, and his new mother in-law Kushina had been planning this day for three years. They'd actually began designing wedding invitations the days before new years.

She had been consumed by it, offering up the excuse when prompted, that it was fault to her having never had a proper wedding ceremony of her own.

Sasuke rolled his eyes at the memory. Mikoto's story had been an exasperating and woe-begotten story he'd heard enough times to wish he'd never asked at all.

Mikoto had been married at eighteen to the love her life, a then twenty-six year old Fugaku whom she'd met through friends years before. Their romance had been a swift one that resulted in marriage after only six months of courtship as Fugaku was getting to the age where marriage was expected of him. Mikoto was all too willing to oblige.

They were married on the eve before the opening of Uchiha corps European branch, which Fugaku had just been placed in charge of.

She never had the autumn themed wedding she'd dreamed about as a little girl with her female cousins. And even though she was blessed with two beautiful boys she never had the little girl she craved. So for years she set aside her old wedding scrapbook. The one she had dreamed of showing her daughter one day as they planned her big. Letting collect dust in her closet, until she met Kushina Uzumaki, the young wife of a very promising Minato Namikaze who shared similar disappointments and dreams of a perfect wedding.

Together they blew the dust off their old wedding scrapbooks and made a pact. Should one of them have a little girl they'd marry them to the other's son, and finally have a combination of their special day. However three pregnancies and no girls later they conceded that the dream would remain just that, a dream.

Fortune however, shined bright once again with the legalization of same-sex marriage in Konoha a little over a decade later. Which inevitably lead the arranged marriage between Namikaze and Uchiha. Mikoto and Kushina - Minato had now become governor of Konoha proceeding his own grandfather, while Fugaku remained unsuccessful in his political career- had been over the moon. Then they'd be sisters for-real!

The first time Mikoto had re-told Sasuke that story after having announced his impending marriage he'd wanted to whack her upside the head with that very scrapbook. Thinking perhaps if he'd swung hard enough she'd come to her damn senses.

What sort of world did those two women think they lived in. No one did arranged marriage in their day and age. No one sane.

Yet Sasuke had been roused at the ass crack of dawn, on October fourteenth fully expected to comply to the every demand and desire of a sadistic team of stylists and overly giddy pair of women. He was then buffed, plucked, gelled, moisturized and pampered to perfection. Wrapped in a ridiculous kimono and sent on his way.

The ceremony it self was held in an ancient Shinto shrine in the Konoha mountains the had supposedly been the temple of choice for the last ten generations of Namikaze's.

The ceremony was overseen by a young priest, with far too much exaggerated flare for such a solemn occasion. Followed by a procession to an outdoor terrace where both men signed the necessary legal documentation to be notarized on the spot and whisked away to city hall to be filed.

From there, some four hours after the actal ceremony kekkon hiroen began.

* * *

The wedding hadn't been much at all. Certianly nothing worth the tabliods, that had long since dissipated to report about.

Just a gathering of mutual family members, Namikaze-Uzumaki's on one side, Uchiha's on the other. All gathered and squashed in the confines of an outdoor sitting area connected to the small shrine.

At nearly midnight Sasuke was at his most foul. He had tried not to appear surly as he sat, alone at the newlywed's table, a foot above everyone else on full display. Not looking miserable was a feat considering that he was now forcibly being married to a failure of a man, and doomed to now bear the name: Sasuke Uchiha-Namikaze-Uzumaki.

Uzumaki Naruto (he never liked using the hyphen), a blond haired, blue eyed twenty-three year old (of questionably Asian heritage) was his new husband. A five foot seven inch, baby faced, obnoxiously loud mouthed thing that only came up to Sasuke nose.

A so called aristocrats son, though Sasuke honestly believed no self respecting member of the aristocracy would be caught wearing that shade of orange in public. Unless he was one of the 'eccentric' types. Or retarded.

Sasuke leaned more toward retarded as his reason.

His husband, (and oh, how he loathed the man as much as the word) was currently chucking it up with a girl from his side of party. A pink haired thing, Sakura they called her (how common) laughed alongside him. They were dancing fervently to a slow song in the center of the dance floor, limbs flailing. Dancing was something Sasuke refused to indulge in because one; he did not wish to look like an idiot in public and two; marriage was too solemn an occasion to enjoy ones self.

Sasuke didn't even know why there was dancing at all; he specifically said no to it when planning the wedding. He hadn't even wanted any slow dances; it was a traditional Japanese wedding with a traditional theme. This included the strict prohibiting of all things karaoke.

Naruto must have pulled some strings, called a DJ in last minute after Sasuke made the arrangements and snuck him into the party. Naruto was already defying him. The basterd

Sasuke looked away in pain when Naruto gyrated his hips in a way that defied all physical laws and hastily turned his attention to the Uchiha half of the party.

They played their parts well. Even the children sat stony faced and disapproving from their respectable places, flashing disgruntled glares at their uproarious new in-laws.

Naruto's grandparents were already drunk and causing most of the uproar. The grandfather, Jiraiya, (known as Pervert by most) was telling a very loud, very bawdy retelling of a true story, involving a woman he'd met in America (before he married Tsunade at the business end of a shotgun) and her creative use of a sock. All while chugging his fifth bottle of sake, as his wife, Tsunade, glared at him over her breasts surrounded by her own mess of empty sake bottles.

At a long rectangular table, a full four feet above everyone else, the council surveyed all this with disdain. 'The Elders' (as they were called, because they were old as hell) of both clans; the Uzumaki's, Namikaze's, and Uchiha's, could barely contain their triumph. Now almost all of the most influential clans in Konoha were joined together through marriage. All except one of course: those damn, snooty Hyuuga's.

His father, Fugaku, the formidable form in the far corner just below the council table, was what appeared to be a pleasurable enough conversation with his newest business partner: Minato Namikaze, an older and by far better looking replica of his son, who happened to be the leading Councilman in Konoha City.

And the unfortunate recipient of Fugaku's man-crush. Fugaku had been looking for a chance, any chance to make a deal with the Namikaze's since he'd taken over the family business some thirty years before.

The Namikazi's were so influential in Konoha politics, that with Minato at his side, Fugaku was sure to climb the political ladder in no time. That was his and the councils plan, and they made no effort in hiding it.

Fugaku was all proud father and gracious host as he poured the other man yet another glass of champagne. He never showed so much interest in any single person since the bottom fell out of the 'Itachi plan' years before. Something horrible was bound to come from his eagerness to please the other man, something embarrassing hopefully. Like a snub.

The thought of his father being snubbed made Sasuke exceedingly happy.

What made Sasuke smirk at his fathers expense however, was that, though Minato-san indulged in polite conversation with Fugaku, his main focus was on his son on the dance floor. Naruto at that point had switched partners and was in the middle balancing a girl on one arm while trying not to spill his drink.

Minato watched them with a whimsical little smile that Sasuke had to bring himself to look away from.

Naruto danced. He drank. He shared boisterous stories of his youth, and joked around with his friends and family. Completely ignored his new spouse and in laws and had a damn good time in spite of it being one of most dreaded days of his life.

At the end of night, he was glad he fought to wear his tux instead of the retarded kimono Mikoto had tried to force him in during their few, and painfully brief fittings together. The night had become colder he later it got and his layered tuxedo was a welcome between him and potential frostbite.

Sasuke however, must have been freezing his lily white ass off. Which was a shame, Naruto thought, he caught a glimpse of the ass a few times when Sasuke had his back turned, it had looked mighty fine indeed.

After sparring a brief glance over the brooding figure at the newly-wed table, Naruto decided he wasn't going to worry about it anymore. He would have fun on his wedding day, with or without his new husdand. With that determination, he downed the rest of his drink and grabbed his dance partner by the waist with a grin.

A good half of the party cringed when she shrieked that everybody could see up her skirt. Sasuke scoffed; she shouldn't have worn a cocktail dress that barely covered her ass in the first place if she hadn't wanted to flash her panties. He scoffed again when that same girl began to beat Naruto over the head with a stiletto for embarrassing her.

Sasuke looked down at his steak knife, wondering if it was sufficiently sharp enough to take his own life with. Or, more preferably, someone else's.

True to Naruto assumption, Sasuke was in fact freezing. His Montsuki haori hakama was worth jack shit against the brisk mountain air and its 'gentle' breezes. It was as though it were made of paper, he was sure, or the thinnest silk his mother could find. He'd known he'd grow to regret having chosen it too, but it had been the only moderate masculine thing offered in the collection of Kimono's his mother offered for he wedding. All of which, antiques and older than Jesus that belonged in a Eto period museum somewhere.

Sasuke shoved his hands into his sleeves in a manner that he hoped was discreet, to grasp gooseflesh covered forearms. A wrap had been offered to him earlier. One with silver blue chrysanthemums and swans brocade into the silk to match his Kimono, and Sasuke had to glare down the unfortunate soul to offered it to him till they caught the hint and scurried away with it.

"You shouldn't look so happy, baby brother, you could strain something." Came the silky voice of none other than Sasuke's criminally insane only sibling.

Itachi had managed to drape a heavy woolen coat around Sasuke's shoulders before sliding easily into Naruto's unoccupied seat. It was still warm from Itachi body heat and it smelled like the cologne he always wore. Sasuke fought the urge to rub his nose along he collar out of childhood habit. Instead he shoved his arms through the sleeves a drew it closed around him, biting his lip in bliss as warmth finally enveloped him.

Itachi leaned in when Sasuke's had finally sat still again coming within an inch of Sasuke ear to breath his next words so softly that a shiver ran down Sasuke's spine.

"Remember that the world is watching. You could at least try to smile for them."

Sasuke grit his teeth, ignoring what the other said in favor of buttoning he front of the coat. It was all to unerve him, he knew it. Itachi knew he hated to be touched.

"What do you want from me, Itachi?" Sasuke gripped, and caste a wary eye over the party. Hoping no one payed too close attention to him at that moment. Itachi rested his chin on Sasuke's stiff shoulder, as he still hadn't backed away.

"The usual. But I'll set that aside for the occasion and wish you my congratulations." the older man said in the same smokey tone, his lips brushing Sasuke's jaw before he pulled away slowly. Itachi leaned back in his chair casually, surveying the dance floor with vague interest.

Sasuke tilted his head thoughtfully.

"You must be absolutely euphoric right now. Watching me wallow in my own self pity as my new husband," he cast a brief disdainful look toward the dance floor where his husband had switched partners, again. "disgraces are now conjoined family names. This ought to give you great wanking material for later on tonight."

Itachi turned his eyes to his brother with a sardonic little smirk. "What sort of person would I be if I got off on your misfortune?"

"You would be Itachi Uchiha." Sasuke replied dryly.

An eerie twinkle had come into Itachi's eyes as he stared at Sasuke unblinkingly. The others mouth curled, like wanted to say something more but smothered it with a smirk instead. Suddenly, Itachi leaned forward and kissed him shortly, placed a white and crimson envelope in his hand, thick with bills and stood.

"You should try being more optimistic, baby brother." Itachi said, staring down at Sasuke sagely, making Sasuke want to stab him just once with the steak knife. "considering your chosen husband could be _much_ worse."

Itachi then gave Sasuke a small nod before striding off purposely, ignoring whomever had decided to call his name as he passed as left the hall with a graceful air befitting any Uchiha.

Sasuke gnawed on his still tingling bottom lip and let himself consider Itachi's words. He supposed he could count himself as lucky. His current spouse could me much worse, when his others suitors were put into consideration. The way Sasuke figured, he would rather be with a multibillion dollar pain in the ass, than an equally valuable self rightous, fate spouting, poofter (Neji Hyuuga was the bane of his existence, the epitome of all things insufferable in Sasuke book). He'd rather choke himself with a licorice stick than be married to _Neji Hyuuga_.

Yes, Sasuke conceded, as Naruto's laugh echoed from across the hall, his spouse could have been so much worse.

After the initial uproar of the kekkon hiroen died down the party began to die down, guests filed in an orderly manner to hand over their expected Shugi-Bukuro to the receptionist, along with a few unexpected western style wedding gifts.

Sasuke eyebrow ticked; yet another of Naruto's last minute add-in's.

What on earth did they need two mixers for? Who _asked_ them to buy them a mixer? Sasuke was left to seethe in silence as the newlyweds were whisked into a limo and rushed to the hotel for their wedding night.

Haruno Hotels provided the newlywed suite, free of charge, for the much anticipated (for who, Sasuke wasn't sure) wedding night. The consummation of their union.

They had to lock and bolt the door behind them to keep the elders from standing over the bed and watching to make sure they went though with it.

Their union was imperative to the future of Uchiha Corp., the elders had made it quite clear, so much so that Sasuke was quick to realize that it was far more important to the Uchiha's than the Namikaze-Uzumaki's. This meant the hopes and future of Uchiha corp. were riding on Sasuke in the most literal sense.

With that burden, among others Sasuke set about his wedding night with a rising trepidation.

Naruto stared at Sasuke's reflection in the suites lavish floor to ceiling windows, with his own rising trepidation. Now that he was alone with Sasuke, Naruto realized that nothing after the required 'I do's' had been spoken between them.

Nervously, Naruto glanced at the back of Sasuke's head, the view he'd been subject to from the moment the elders escorted them into the suit. Sasuke sat rigid as a corpse, his back purposely turned to the other man and staring with great interest at the carpet.

"Feels kind of weird being here, huh?" Naruto laughed nervously, paying avid attention to the way the street light below flickered outside of their suite window. Sasuke, driven by some unknown masochistic force, turned to Naruto almost thoughtfully.

"How so, Uzumaki-san?" Sasuke said as placating as he had ever heard his mother speak to his father. Naruto shoot him a brief heated look.

"My name's Naruto."

"Yes, I know. Would you be so kind as to answer my question?" Naruto bounced from heel to toe, looking very shy, his hands shoved in the pockets of his disheveled tuxedo.

The fool had insisted on a western tuxedo even though the whole ceremony had been conducted to a traditional Japanese theme. He'd been even more of an eyesore than usual in an all black tux with matching orange handkerchief and tie beside Sasuke's elaborate montsuki haori hakama.

The petulant desire to kidney punch the man boiled to the surface once more.

"This consummating," Naruto waved a hand at the massive four poster bed. "business. After everyone made such a huge deal about it. Kind of takes the romance out of things."

"Are trying to tell me that you can't perform under pressure, Uzumaki-san?" Sasuke inquired softly, trying to seem as innocently befuddled as possible. His smirk belying his sardonic intent. He knew his comment hit the mark when Naruto sputtered so hard he'd forget to demand Sasuke call him 'Naruto'.

"What?" Sasuke stood briskly, walking over to the low coffee table in front of the luxurious leather sofa, one of many accommodations offered in their suite, and poured a glass of cold water from a convenient pitcher.

He offered it to his floundering husband, preying he did not choke because given Sasuke's obvious hostility toward him, the Namikaze's would be quick to jump on accusations of murder, and that simply would not do.

"The consummation does not have to be tonight, Uzumaki-san. We could wait until tomorrow perhaps, when the pressure isn't so great and you'll find yourself more able to perform." Sasuke smirk grew at the way Naruto's eyes bulged from their sockets.

Sasuke offered the glass of water obligingly, making sure their fingers did not graze as Naruto made a hasty grab for it.

"I can perform just fine, thank you!" Naruto croaked after he regained his bearings, than blushed furiously when Sasuke raised an eyebrow at him.

"Oh. I'm sure you can." Sasuke murmured salaciously, dropping his voice a few octaves smoothly, just to see Naruto choke some more.

"But I wouldn't dare put anymore more pressure on you." Sasuke then scrunched his brow pseudo-sympathetically and refilled Naruto's cup.

Naruto glared so hard at Sasuke, he almost felt singed by it.

He smiled serenely nonetheless: "Shall we get ready for bed then?"

Naruto was quickly at a loss for words again. Carefully, Sasuke took the glass from him and placed neatly atop the try from which it came beside the pitcher and strolled toward one of the adjoining bathrooms.

Wholeheartedly believing Naruto would not follow.

After an hour long shower, which Naruto finds completely unreasonable since Sasuke is so small, and surely it doesn't take an hour to wash a body that lanky, Sasuke emerged squeaky clean and in a long kimono bathrobe.

Naruto rolled his eyes at him as he passed; of course Sasuke would stick to the Japanese theme, and gathered his toiletries for his own much shorter shower. How anyone could remain so formal in stiff pajamas like Sasuke in bed was ridicules, Naruto thought.

He, unlike Sasuke, wore a worn pair of trackies and a shirt, which he wore more for his comfort than Sasuke's. Naruto wasn't feeling particularly up to being in the nude beside Sasuke that night. Heaven only knows what the other might decided to hack off in the dead of night.

Without bothering to ask which side Sasuke might have wanted, Naruto plunked onto the bed with overdone exaggeration.

Sasuke hesitated as he climbed into bed, and turned to face Naruto. "Once again we don't have to anything you're not comfortable with Uzum-." he hastily corrected himself at the threat of Naruto opening his mouth.

"Naruto." Sasuke turned his back to him hastily, realizing that he would sooner go back to the licorice stick scenario than willing allow himself to be touched by that imbecile.

If Sasuke were to be honest with himself, which he rarely was, he'd admit that intimacy sickened him beyond redemption. In fact, most things sickened him. Intimacy just happened to be among the worst of them.

He'd rather be alone, free to make his own decisions, like in his dream of becoming completely autonomous. He didn't want to share his life with another human being, whom he knew very little about other than his wedding cake preference. Sasuke didn't understand why he couldn't' just have a cat.

Cats were nice. A bit snooty, but all the meant was they'd get along perfectly with each.

But no, humans can't breed with cats, (unless one happened to be into bestiality, which Sasuke defiantly wasn't) and the council had thought a union between Namikaze-Uzumkai and Uchiha would be endlessly beneficial. Especially at a time when Fugaku had decided to pursue a political career. And though Sasuke did want to help his father in anyway he could he did believe the council could have done better than Naruto.

Frankly, in Sasuke's opinion being married to Naruto was along the same vein as bestially anyway.

Sighing, Sasuke reached over to the bedside stand to turn off the light before burrowing under the covers. Naruto did the same; twisting and turning for several moments on his end, grumbling as he tried to find a comfortable position much to Sasuke's mounting irritation. When he did find one he sighed and settled in, luckily for him because Sasuke had been a heartbeat from bashing his head in with a lamp.

"Good night Sasuke." the other man whispered, sounding almost human and much less annoying than he had the entire day. Sasuke waited an entire minute before replying.

"Good night, Naruto."

* * *

**Note**: I'm a coma whore, but can you blame me? There so addictive. I just love putting coma's everywhere, it makes me happy. Don't expect me to be constant with this or anything, it just some crack I wrote to entertain myself while I tried to come up with the next Chapter of Café Loki.

I wouldn't hold my breath though guys, its slow coming. So enjoy the crack, it could be all you see for a while.

**Shugi-Bukuro**: envelopes of money customarily given to the receptionist at the end of the kekkon hiroen as gifts to the newlyweds. It's preferred that guests use pretty, unwrinkled bills for the occasion.

**Montsuki haori hakama**: traditional wedding robe worn by the groom, and since Sasuke isn't a girl he would not be wearing a kimono to his wedding.

**Kekkon hiroen**: The wedding reception conducted in whatever way the newlyweds religions happened to be at either a shrine, wedding hall, or church


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Check chapter one.

Note: I'm tired.

* * *

**Sasuke Uchiha was a freak.**

This was what Naruto concluded over a steaming bowl of breakfast ramen the morning after his botched honeymoon.

An anally retentive, sadistic _freak_. With a sweet ass, but Naruto won't linger on that. Such a thing didn't take away from the fact that his new husband had the character density of a pebble.

Naruto came to terms with it after he'd woken up that morning to an empty bed. Instead of the blanket shrouded form of his new husband (a title still not completely grasped by him), Naruto found the rumpled place where he should have been. A piece of paper sat on the pillow that read: **Out. Coffee. Back. Later**., in barely legible script and some insane scribbling of what Naruto assumed to be a signature underneath.

Not how he imagined the morning after his wedding night would be. Now, Naruto wouldn't go as far as to proclaim himself a romantic but he had envisioned the morning after to involve cuddling, and kisses, and maybe love making in the shower, things like that.

Though of course Naruto had imagined his spouse would have at least one or two ovaries, and a pair of breasts. Sasuke didn't have breasts as far as Naruto could tell. But he could be harboring an ovary or two somwhere.

After checking the bed two or ten times more, and then under it, Naruto finally conceded that his spouse was no where to be found. He didn't think Sasuke was much on morning after cuddles anyway, or love making……….or breathing the same air.

Grunting and grumbling Naruto dragged himself out of bed and dialed roomservice, ordering a bowl of their best ramen and stumbed off to bathroom for a shower. Alone.

* * *

Room service had left not ten minutes before Sasuke breezed in, looking much liver, if a bit bleary eyed, than he had the night before. Or as lively as he would ever look with a complexion close to a death pallor. His eyes were wide and animated, if a bit bleary as he scanned the room and started slightly when he noticed Naruto. Naruto stared back, just as wide eyed before Sasuke blinked and looked away quickly.

"Hello." he said breathlessly, and disappeared into the suites dining room. Naruto paused mid-slurp, blinked several times to re-orientate himself and swallowed. He scratched the back of his shoulder bemusedly, not entirely sure of what just happened.

Sasuke must have done a full circuit around the dining room because he came out on the other side through a second doorway, no longer wearing his jacket and shoes. Naruto checked for a tell-tale cup of coffee. He didn't see any. Sasuke must have noticed him checking because he stuffed his hands into his jeans self-consciously.

"Drank it at the Café." he said like it explained everything.

Naruto shrugged and looked down at his ramen. Sasuke wandered around the edges of the room as inconspicuously as possible, trying not bring further attention to himself.

Naruto did not need to know how useless he was in the morning before a cup of coffee. Naruto didn't need to know any of Sasuke little quirks and flaws. Sasuke should remain the object of complete perfection to him.

Or at least, that's what Sasuke's mother always taught. If there was anything useful she'd told him the night before he was married it was three things; hide everything. Keep him in the dark. And image was everything.

_Keeping ones husband ignorant, is keeping him happy_; Mikoto had said_. _Sasukecouldn't help but agree with her_._

Was this Shallow? Yes. But it was very effective.

So Sasuke had planned to run out for coffee while the idiot still slept and be back before he woke.Thus preserving his false image of perfection in the eyes of the world and Naruto alike.

But Naruto didn't want to except the lie! Naruto had to rebel. He had to wake hours before Sasuke had planned he would even stir, and be awake to witness him in all his unkempt glory.

Now since that plan was blown to hell, Sasuke had resort to his impromptu backup plan. He was going to _discreetly _rush over to the bathroom for a much needed shower **before** Naruto realized how horrifying Sasuke looked (and smelled) first thing in the morning. And to make his mother proud of course.

His attempts however, were forgotten when he noticed the steaming bowl of something Naruto was lovingly smothering himself in. Curiously, Sasuke drew closer to peer over the others shoulder and sniffed.

"Are you eating ramen?" The smell as undeniable; it was miso ramen for sure, and low and behold as Sasuke gave a closer inspection, he stared down into a steaming bowl of ramen. Sasuke pulled a face of partial disgust.

"It's ten in the morning." Naruto brought the bowl closer defensively.

"I always have ramen for breakfast." Sasuke raised a skeptic brow.

"That can't possibly be nutritional."

"It has a boiled egg in it." Naruto defended, and Sasuke opinion, made him eating ramen for breakfast all that more pathetic. But let him destroy his insides slowly and pave the way for premature type one diabetes if he wanted, it was hardly Sasuke's obligation to care.

Oh wait, it was. They were married after all. Sasuke scowled.

"At least eat some fruit or something with that." Sasuke snapped agitatedly, and roughly pushed a bowl of fruit at the other man before turning to stride toward the bathroom.

"I'm taking a shower. Remember that we're having brunch with our parents at noon. Be ready by then."

Naruto watched him close the door behind him before diligently biting into a pear.

* * *

They got ready in silence.

Silence was good. Silence was gold. Silence meant Sasuke didn't have to hear Naruto high voice yammering on about meaningless things. If the silence kept up perhaps a murder wouldn't have to be committed that morning. Or at least, not one by Sasuke.

Naruto was only silent because, unlike what some people might think, he didn't see the point in talking when nothing was worth saying. At the moment he hadn't thought of anything devastating witty, or hilarious and he didn't think anything he said would have a profound impact on Sasuke anyway.

The man was an animated corpse. A finally shaped, well proportioned corpse. That happened to have a lovely bottom.

Naruto plopped down a couch with a tremendous sigh, giving a little bounce on firm leather and spread out a far as he would go. Sasuke ignored him. Naruto gave another monstrous sigh, this time adding a little scream to it just the rattle the others nerves and still no reaction.

Undeterred, Naruto began drumming the beat to a song he'd heard the day before on the glass coffee table causing the tray and pitcher on top to rattle, and if there was ever a more annoying sound than the clink of ice against fine crystal, Sasuke had never heard it.

Sasuke ground his teeth hard enough to _hear_ the enamel flaking off but he'd be **damned** if he'd be the first to crack. Naruto could play doctor on himself and remove his own liver before Sasuke would voluntarily speak to him.

The noise however, proved too much, and the calm Sasuke had been feeling post-shower was shot to hell when Naruto started to sing along (badly) to the drumming.

"Is there a problem Uzumaki-san?" Sasuke snapped, his face flushed and seething through gritted teeth.

"I was thinking." Naruto pointedly ignored the eye roll. "About last night. They will ask."

Sasuke centered his focus on Naruto very slowly.

"Yeah?" he asked cautiously, and actually walked over to Naruto and sat closer than they'd ever been out of bed (and was concious to experience it).

"They'll want to know."

Naruto wiped the sweat from his palms on his pant legs before leaning forward and resting his elbows on his bent knees, staring at a specific spot on the immaculate carpet. Sasuke looked at him closely for a moment, face devoid of any of his rising panic before turning to stare at the spot Naruto appeared so intent on.

"They can't prove that we _didn't_." Sasuke murmured lowly, his eyes darting on reflex for any wires or eavesdroppers. Unless the clan elders called for a doctor to be sure, but they hadn't done that in years, and never to any males.

"We could always just……" Naruto's eyes darted over to the bed than back to Sasuke pointedly. Sasuke refrained, from pure self preservation, from looking horrified.

Unfortunately, Naruto caught the flicker in Sasuke mask, saw it drop to show genuine uncertainty for just the second and changed his expression from anxious to leery.

"Unless of course you find if difficult to '_perform under pressure_'." he rolled the words salaciously. "No worries Sasuke, I'm very much over the apprehension from last night."

Revenge could be so sweet, Naruto thought viscously. Sasuke could be so cruel. He'd proven that the night before. Well, Naruto was more than happy to admit that so could he.

Corrupting him was just an added bonus.

Naruto smirk was downright evil as he scooted the short distance between them on the couch.

Sasuke's upper lip curled contemptuously, his eyes darting to the clock on the far wall above the bed and stood up hastily.

"We'd better leave now or well be late."

"I'm sure they can forgive our absence, when they find out why." Naruto shot back quickly and followed after Sasuke. "We are doing exactly what they wanted. And the sooner we get it over with, the sooner we can move on."

_But Sasuke didn't want to! _

Sasuke wanted to stomp his foot on the ground petulantly. Punch Naruto in the face and stomp off in righteous indignation.

What was the point of them having sex anyway? They couldn't reproduce. Neither could get pregnant unless by some unexplainable feat by nature, and Sasuke may have one chromosome too many but he was not squeezing out any babies in the near future.

He'd be damned if he was defiled because of archaic clan law and an idiot husband with an un-checked libido.

Naruto was a down right beastly thing even though only came up to Sasuke nose. He was stouter, and had weight on his side opposed to Sasuke who leant most of his leverage in height. If Naruto wanted to, the whelp could over power Sasuke, if he used sheer force but he should not underestimate the ferocity of Sasuke contempt.

Sasuke would not lose to him.

As Naruto closed in, standing less than a foot from the other (the closest they'd ever been horizontally) Sasuke realized he'd miscalculated the height difference. Naruto wasn't as short as he'd thought, in fact their eyes were almost level which meant…..oh, dear lord.

Naruto was closing in fast, his eyes intent on Sasuke thinly pressed lips (turned white around the edges) and his expression feral enough to send all the danger bells in Sasuke's brain clattering.

Sasuke was saved from any potential embarrassment involving punching Naruto in the neck just to get away by the shrill ring of the suite telephone.

Sasuke shimmied away and stabbed the button for speaker phone as Naruto rolled his eyes and plopped back onto the couch.

"Uchiha speaking."

"Misters Namikaze your car has just arrived." came the sickeningly polite disembodied voice of one the hotels front desk receptionist before Sasuke thanked her curtly and cut the line.

"Cars here. Lets go."

Naruto kept staring at Sasuke with that leery look from the couch, not moving.

It was so sad it was funny, watching a grown man like Sasuke squirm so much just to avoid something simple like sex. It was down right pathetic.

He was bound to be a virgin. No way in hell Sasuke'd been with anyone with the way he was; like a frigid corpse after rigormortis sets in. He was probably so cold, any lover that tried to get off with him got their bits frozen off. Naruto snickered privately at his own hilarity, causing Sasuke to give a 'look'.

_Defiantly in need of a decent shag_, Naruto thought, throughly amused.

Sasuke paused in the doorway, staring at Naruto critically since he'd yet to move, his upper lip curling in disdain.

"Your not wearing _that_ are you?"

* * *

Note: I agree with Naruto, I think we're all in need of a good shag. Half the stuff here doesn't make sense, it jumbled and choppy. Can't bring myself to care much. Un-beta'd so far and will remain un-beta'd because I won't burden my beta with my lame attmepts at crack. Thanks for the **review,** and don't worry, Itachi is a lot of things but incestous he is not.


End file.
